How to Navigate Family Pressure Over Choosing a Baby Name

As a mom of a child with my grandmother’s middle name, we all know family can play a huge part in choosing a baby name. It's no surprise that in a recent survey conducted by Ancestry.com, 20% of parents said the names they chose were inspired by family or ancestors. That's according to Crista Cowan, Corporate Genealogist with Ancestry.

Of course, this is a sweet nod to the family tree, but using a family name can sometimes come with drama. Such is the case with a Redditor who shared in a recent thread that the prospect of using her husband’s grandmother’s name is creating a rift in the family. 

Mom Feels Forced Into Using A Family Baby Name

The bad blood started when she considered picking the meaningful moniker for her soon-to-be-born daughter.

“I felt like we didn't really come to a definite conclusion or anything,” she confided in the post, going on to share that nonetheless, her husband shared the idea with his father.

The creator says her father-in-law “got very emotional,” believing the couple definitely intended to use his mother’s name. Her father-in-law also prematurely shared the news with the rest of the family. “They all had gotten emotional also,” the mom-to-be wrote in her post. 

Complicating matters, she shared, “Ever since that interaction, any time I try to discuss the idea of other baby names, my husband gets upset and says it will break his dad's heart” if they go with another name. Even using the name as a middle name isn’t flying with her husband. 

So, with the mom’s mind not really made up—there’s also another name she’s liked since she was a little girl—the Redditor basically says she is feeling pressure and guilt about the situation. 

Not surprisingly, commenters had thoughts. Many felt the woman’s partner was prioritizing his family’s feelings over his wife’s—and that was not cool with Reddit.

One commenter said, “Your husband can be upset, but he doesn’t get to emotionally manipulate you into a decision on a name that you potentially don’t want.”

Someone else worried if she gives in, “It will create resentment in the relationship long term,” and “could reinforce to your husband that this [type of behavior] is acceptable.” 

There’s obviously a lot to unpack here, so we turned to some experts in baby names and family dynamics for help.

Baby Name Pressure is Real

Baby name consultant Colleen Slagen of Boston, Massachusetts offers some simple advice for anyone faced with a similar situation to the Redditor: “Don't use a family name if you don't love it!”

No matter what, sharing your baby name with certain people before the birth simply may not be a good idea. “I do recommend sharing your baby name with someone for a gut check, but you know your family and whether or not you can handle their feedback, so take that into account,” Slagen advises.

Tammy Gold LCSW, MSW, CEC, a licensed therapist, and parenting coach, seconds that notion, counseling new parents, “Don't share if the feedback could be upsetting."

Setting Boundaries Can Be Uncomfortable But Necessary

Whether you decide to share a baby name with grandparents—be it a family name or not—setting boundaries with extended family around a pregnancy, the birth, and raising a child is not optional. Of course, this is easier said than done!

But according to Gold, expectant parents should feel empowered to create their own set of values for their new family, which admittedly may feel uncomfortable and get emotional. 

Perhaps this framing of the issue from Emma Giordano, LMHC, Group Services Coordinator at Empower Your Mind Therapy, will help: “Boundaries are not about telling people what they can and can't do in your relationship.” Instead, it’s about what you will do if another person crosses the boundaries you have expressed to them. 

The key is to be on the same page with your significant other. “It is incredibly important to be in agreement with your partner on what your boundaries are as a couple and how to address them with family members,” Giordano tells Parents. In this case, talking with your partner about who he or she can share a prospective baby name with and when will avoid potential heartache down the line.

If that bridge has already been crossed, and family members’ opinions become upsetting, Giordano suggests, “You must be clear and direct about what you are not comfortable with them doing and what you will do if they continue.” A possible consequence may be not sharing information about the pregnancy until the situation improves.

How To Let The Family Down Easy

Peta-Gaye Sandiford, LMHC, a Mental Health Counselor at Empower Your Mind Therapy, recommends reassuring family members that you will do your best to facilitate a relationship between them and the baby—yes, even if you don’t go with grandma’s name! “Redirect the focus on the positive role they will be having in the baby's life because there is more to a baby than just their name,” Sandiford says.

Besides, in the end, a baby’s name is the parents’ decision—and in some instances, grandparents may be disappointed. Michelle Hunt, LMHC, NCC, the Neurodivergent and ARFID Services Director at Empower Your Mind Therapy, offers this advice for moms and dads who find themselves at the receiving end of family members’ hurt feelings: Let them know not choosing the name “doesn’t change your respect for them or the family name—and that you are hoping to have your and your partner’s choices respected.”

Most importantly, as Gold notes, if baby name conversations are creating stress, that is not good for the pregnancy, which is another point that should be communicated to the family.

Here are some tips from the experts we talked to if you are considering using a family name for your baby:

• Learn more about the family member’s life. Knowing where they lived, what they did for work, who they married, and more can create an added layer of meaning to the name and its legacy.
• Consider using the name as a middle name instead.
• Look to the name simply for inspiration. For instance, Georgia after great-grandpa George keeps the name alive.
• Consider using the family name—and pick a cute nickname for day-to-day use.
• Remind your significant other that if the baby will have their last name, you should definitely get a say in the first name.

Ultimately, Giordano says both partners must agree on a baby’s name (note: not grandparents, too!). And if calm, respectful communication is not possible, Sandiford tells Parents, “It may help to seek counseling to find ways to resolve the tension.” 

Hunt agrees, saying, “Couples therapy can help with learning communication strategies that could benefit the partnership moving forward with support and teamwork.”

After all, picking a baby name is just the beginning of parenting challenges ahead!