Selena Gomez Reveals She Is Unable to Carry Children—'I Had to Grieve For Awhile'

In Selena Gomez’s recent Vanity Fair cover story, she breaks a barrier that is as empowering as it is heartbreaking. She reveals—for the first time—that she’s unable to carry her own children due to medical issues that would put her life (and a baby’s) in jeopardy.

“That was something I had to grieve for a while,” Gomez shared, going on to say that while it’s not necessarily the way she envisioned becoming a parent, she finds it “a blessing that there are wonderful people willing to do surrogacy or adoption, which are both huge possibilities for me.”

Gomez said she’s thankful for the other outlets for people who are “dying to be moms” because she is “one of those people.”

Understanding the Grief Behind the Inability to Bear Children

Despite there being so many options to have children, including surrogacy or adoption, the grief of not carrying your own child is real—and looks different for everyone.

Bridget Jones, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in perinatal mental health and parenting, emphasizes what an incredibly emotional and painful process it is to find out you cannot bear your children.

“Many women grow up with the assumption that they will be able to get pregnant and carry their own child easily. It often feels like a given to women, especially young women, despite the reality that 1 in 6 women globally struggle with infertility,” Dr. Jones explains. “Even for women who are ambivalent about having kids, it can still be distressing to have the option taken away from you.”

It’s why being confronted with the reality that pregnancy is impossible, or that it could be life-threatening, can feel shocking. Often shock is accompanied by other emotions, such as sadness, resentment, jealousy, and frustration.

“It can feel like a death—and as with any other loss, the individual will likely experience grief,” says Dr. Jones.

For some, it's the idea that their child biologically will not be their own.

“Women may grieve the passing on of their heritage, genetics, or family line. As humans, we are biologically wired to procreate and (literally) reproduce,” explains Dr. Jones. “Women may grieve the fact that their child may not get the blue eyes that have been passed down from generation to generation, or the athletic skill their grandmother had, or their family’s natural musical talent. Even though there is no way of knowing whether their biological baby would have had these qualities, it is still always a possibility, and therefore a grief that needs to be processed.”

Many people desire the experience of being pregnant, including feeling their baby kick or growing in their body. The fact they will not get to experience their body changing in that way can compound their grief.

Coping with the Private Pain

Cynthia Vejar PhD, LPC, LSC/PPS, NCC, the Program Director and Associate Professor of Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Lebanon Valley College, says that there’s often a loss of connection because infertility is often navigated privately and people may feel others don’t understand their pain.  There’s also a loss of belonging.

“We live in a pronatalist society. It can be difficult to be at work and talk about babies/parenthood around the ‘water cooler’ or attend celebrations like baby showers,” says Dr. Vejar. “On social media, there are posts of ultrasound pictures and exciting pregnancy or baby milestones. Holidays—that are typically family-oriented—and days such as Mother’s Day or Father’s Day can be very challenging.”

On the flip side, Dr. Vejar notes that not everyone navigating infertility is triggered by these situations so assumptions should not be made as being excluded is also painful. 

So, how do you cope with the grief if dealing with the news that carrying a child is not possible or dangerous? Dr. Jones says that grief must be felt—so give yourself permission to sit in it for a while and experience the sadness, anger, resentment, or other emotions that emerge after such a difficult discovery.

“Think of that time as ‘survival time.’ After a loss, it feels hard to go back to normal life. You may not be capable of the productivity in life that you are used to—that is normal,” explains Dr. Jones. “Make sure to do things that will fill your cup. This may be prioritizing rest, reading books, watching distracting shows, or reducing high expectations for yourself. This survival time is temporary, so give yourself permission to fuel yourself in ways that you need.” 

How Partners Factor In the Grieving Process

If you have a partner, and you’re both mourning your shared vision for your family, know that your grief journeys may look different.

“Try to be open and honest about what you need from your partner, while also not faulting them for experiencing things differently from you. This is incredibly common, and should not be taken as a reflection of your relationship,” says Dr. Jones.

If you do not have a partner, determine how you want to share this information with future long-term partners.

“Bringing this topic up early on in a relationship can be uncomfortable, however broaching the subject early can lead to a better understanding of compatibility and shared values with your partner,” Dr. Jones explains.  

Of course, seek support when needed and reach out to a therapist or support group if you feel you’re struggling. “Experiencing this loss can feel isolating and lonely, so seek out psychological support to help you feel less alone,” says Dr. Jones.

How to Support Those Who Are Grieving

If you are trying to support a friend, colleague or family member who is experiencing grief around infertility, Dr. Vejar says it’s important to try and understand the complexities of this type of grief.

“Many people may not really think about infertility until they or a loved one are navigating this experience. There may be a component of shock/disbelief that can precede a person’s grief,” she explains.

The best things Dr. Vejar says all you can do is show empathy, understanding, and support—and be a good listener.

“Let the person who is navigating infertility determine when/if they want to discuss their experience. You can say, ‘I am always here to talk about your experience, but I want you to let me know when you’d like to talk about it,’” explains Dr. Vejar. “Individualize the conversation to the person’s needs. Do not have an agenda.”

Thank You, Selena

While Gomez being so open and forthcoming is appreciated, it does not mean that the public should now expect or demand updates about her experiences, her grief, or explain herself— unless of course, she wants to.

“The fact that she shared her experience is greatly appreciated; since infertility can be a very private issue, people are not always aware of the experiences of others—nor are they entitled to them,” says Dr. Vrejar. “If a person in the public, such as Selena Gomez, is willing to open up, it communicates to people that they are not alone in their journey, and this can provide a sense of connection, validation, shared experience, and universality, which is very meaningful and helpful in a person’s healing.”

I personally love Gomez’s positive perspective on what lies ahead for her, sharing with Vanity Fair, “I’m excited for what that journey will look like, but it’ll look a little different. At the end of the day, I don’t care. It’ll be mine. It’ll be my baby.”

Gomez’s vulnerability and openness struck me. She's breaking the taboo and showing that it’s okay to grieve—and share that grief—when your path to parenthood takes a detour.