How To Cope When Trying To Get Pregnant Overwhelms You

Not everyone feels happy or excited when they're trying to have a baby. The process of trying to conceive can easily feel as though it's taking over your life—especially when it takes longer than you expected. While most couples don't conceive within the first months of trying, but infertility is much more than not conceiving within in the time frame you had envisioned. Infertility is specifically defined as failing to conceive after having frequent unprotected sex for at least twelve months.

Infertility is specifically comes with emotional hardships for couples, who can experience sadness, hopelessness, or even obsession with fertility concerns. It's also not uncommon for those trying to conceive (TTC) to become depressed. Keep in mind that likelihood of conceiving during any one month is dependent on one's age, timing (trying to conceive during your fertile window ups your chances), and even luck.

We can't always change our circumstances as much as we might wish that infertility would magically go away. What we can control, however, is how we cope with the challenges we face. With something as emotional as trying to become pregnant, that's not always easy. These strategies might help you to find healthy ways to express your grief and frustration.

Here are 12 things to keep in mind as you try to cope with the challenges of getting pregnant, plus how to release some of your worries about getting pregnant—and don't feel guilty if your stress doesn't simply evaporate even if you use all these strategies. Grieving isn't a linear process, so take all the time you need.

Don't Let the Two-Week Wait Take Over

The two-week wait is a time of high stress when you're trying to conceive. Each day between ovulation and your expected period can feel like a year. During this time, you may feel constantly anxious. It can help to focus on other things and people. Here are a few things that can take your mind off the wait:

• Have a date with your partner
• See a movie you always wanted to see, pick up a book you've been meaning to read, or get the ingredients for a recipe you've wanted to try
• Spend time with your friends
• Start a home or craft project

Two-week wait worries might still linger in the back of your mind, but it's better than letting them sit in the front seat.

Don't Overdo Pregnancy Tests

When you're trying to conceive, one of your main focuses is likely to be pregnancy test-taking. Whether it's gathering up your supplies or experimenting with the timing for taking a test.

While you might be hesitant to cut back on taking tests while you're trying to get pregnant, it can easily become a fixation—and something that will make you feel more stressed rather than less.

Don't Let Your Period Get You Down

Many people who menstruate aren't necessarily thrilled when their monthly period comes, but when you're trying to conceive, you might even be more upset by its arrival—a sign you didn't get pregnant yet again.

If you've experienced miscarriages, getting your period can not only signal another failed attempt but also remind you of previous losses. For some people, periods can be intense reminders of their inability not only to get pregnant but to stay pregnant.

If you're depressed the first week of your cycle, ambivalent about (or obsessed with) ovulating, and anxious during the last two weeks, consider the role that your period might be playing as a trigger for these feelings. This a a good topic to bring up with a mental health care provider, who can provide personalized strategies for working through period-related anxiety.

Reclaim What You Used To Love

The stress of infertility can get our minds so wrapped up in getting pregnant that we forget what we used to do for fun. Make a list of all the things you enjoy (or used to enjoy) doing. If you're stumped, think back to what made you happy as a child.

If you're having trouble remembering, call up a friend or have your partner help you out. Ask them directly what they remember doing together with you that made you smile.

There are also other ways you can declare your independence from infertility. Start by making sure that you talk to your partner, family, and friends about things other than fertility. It can also help to focus on making long-term plans that aren't related to baby-making, as well as taking the time to celebrate personal and professional successes.

Connect With Your Partner

Infertility is notorious for turning sex into a chore. From frustration to shame to a lowered libido, trying to get pregnant can change your sex life.

What used to be a passionate time to connect intimately with your partner might start to feel like a task—one with a seemingly unattainable goal. When the sexual relationship breaks down, it can also weaken other aspects of your relationship.

It's important to give attention to the relationship you have with your partner. Take time to talk to each other about how infertility is affecting you both and discuss what you both feel you need to stay connected.

Prioritize Self-Care

Taking care of yourself does not just mean eating right and seeing your doctor for check-ups. It also means making time for relaxation and finding healthy ways to manage stress.

Stress management is different for everyone. For example, you might like a long bubble bath after a long day while your partner prefers to turn up some music and dance around in the living room.

Relaxation might be meditation, yoga, or an art class. These mindful activities keep you grounded on the present, feed your creativity, put you back in touch with a hobby that makes you personally happy, and give your brain something to focus on that isn't getting pregnant, which can help you change your inner dialogue about your infertility.

There are several mind-body therapies for infertility that can help you relax, and some have been shown to improve pregnancy rates—this is another subject to bring up your mental health care provider.

Acknowledge Difficult Feelings

Trying to reduce the hold that infertility has on your life and stop worrying about getting pregnant doesn't mean that you have to pretend that it doesn't have a strong influence on you. In fact, acknowledging all of your feelings about infertility—especially the difficult ones—is healthy. Find a safe place and time to express these feelings (which will look different for each person).

Join a Support Group

Couples with infertility often feel isolated. Sometimes it seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant and raising families while you are still trying to get pregnant.

This is where a support group can be helpful. You'll be with other couples who really get it and understand the unique frustrations and grief of infertility. Sometimes, it's just enough to be with others who have been through what you are going through.

Ask your health care provider if there are support groups nearby or check online to find out if there is a RESOLVE infertility support group where you live.

Get Professional Help

Support groups can be a good place to connect with others, but you might feel like you need to do a little more one-on-one work. People who are navigating infertility often experience depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. Even if you feel you are coping adequately, finding a fertility therapist has many benefits.

Infertility often comes with intense, sometimes difficult, emotions. Counseling can help you process these feelings and develop healthy ways of coping. It might be helpful to look for a therapist who has special training or experience working with couples facing infertility struggling to conceive, as they can also help you make informed choices about your treatment.

Therapy can also be useful for couples, especially if infertility is putting a strain on your relationship or you and your partner struggle to agree on what to do next. It's not uncommon for one partner to be reluctant about therapy, but couples who seek counseling together often benefit greatly from having the opportunity to talk openly about what they are going through.

Let Friends Support You

Sometimes, we get so caught up trying to protect ourselves from our family-oriented friends that we lose sight of the fact that they are still the same people who were our childless best buddies not too long ago. And while you might feel some guilt or shame around infertility, this issue is not your fault and should never stop you from seeking help.

Friends and family often want to support you, but might not know what to say or do. They may be afraid of saying the wrong thing (or not saying the right thing). Don't wait for them to read your mind. Friends and family can't support you if you haven't given them a chance. Start by communicating with them.

There are benefits and pitfalls to sharing your difficulties successfully getting or staying pregnant. You certainly don't need to tell everyone and you don't need to talk about it any more than you find helpful. That said, you also don't need to stay silent or try to cope alone. Choose a few friends or family members who you feel can be part of your support system.

Take a Break

If you feel that trying to get pregnant has taken over your life and all your efforts to take things back are not working, it might be time to take a break. You and your partner might find it helpful to take a few months off from trying to conceive to rest and refocus.

Practice Reframing

There's a simple stress management technique that can help you cope with your current fertility challenges as well as be an invaluable tool throughout your life. It's called the art of reframing. Reframing doesn't change your situation—rather, you change (reframe) the way you look at it.

Consider an example: Perhaps you are an avid runner, and you've been told you can't run for a few weeks after an ankle injury. At first, it feels really upsetting if you love to run, but the reframe is that this will free up time to read a new book, try a less intense form of exercise, or spend time with friends

It's not easy to reframe. You might have to practice a lot before it feels natural to you (the proverbial "fake it 'til you make it"). As you encounter challenges in your journey to get pregnant, continue to look for opportunities to reframe.