The Case for a 'Fertilitymoon' During IVF

Just hours before my 39th birthday last September, I got a call from my reproductive endocrinologist. She didn’t even say “hello” before blurting out the news that my fiancé and I had been waiting days for: “It’s normal.”

She was sharing the results of a genetic test—PGT-A, preimplantation genetic testing that looks for chromosomal abnormalities—performed on the one embryo that we had gotten from an embryo banking cycle I had started only weeks prior. I told her it was the best birthday gift I could have possibly imagined. At the same time, I felt like you might while gliding through a rare lull in the middle of a roller coaster ride, rattled by what had just happened and trying not to get too freaked out by whatever was coming around the corner.

The cycle we had just been through was the second egg retrieval I’d done in six months. So in a follow-up consultation with our doctor, I shared that, instead of creating a meticulous game plan for our next medical move, my fiancé and I needed a good, old-fashioned break. And part of that break would involve a long overdue vacation—a “fertilitymoon,” if you will.

For many couples, trying to conceive can be an exciting and rewarding experience. It can also be super-stressful, frustrating, and, at times, heartbreaking. That’s the case no matter what your journey to parenthood looks like. And anyone who has pursued parenthood with the help of assisted reproductive technologies like egg freezing, intrauterine insemination (IUI), or in vitro fertilization (IVF) knows the process can be incredibly challenging on multiple levels, draining your mental and physical energy and often a hefty chunk of your savings. 

Yet, it’s something that more and more couples are doing. Last year, Kindbody, a national fertility, gynecology, and wellness service provider, reported a 20% spike in egg freezing cycles, embryo freezing, and in vitro fertilization (IVF) each month.

But while aspiring parents are generally counseled on the no-nos of the stimulation and post-egg retrieval process—such as avoiding high-impact exercise and alcohol—there’s often not all that much communication or counseling around what they should do in the days, weeks, and months following the grueling experience. At the same time, the stress of undergoing fertility treatment can up the risk of mental health challenges, which, in turn, can’t help but take a toll on even the healthiest, happiest relationship.

I felt fortunate to be able to manage the emotions and burnout from two cycles in six months by having a wonderful support system in place, including my therapist, acupuncturist, friends, family, and amazing fiancé. Still, continuing to put my nose to the grindstone at work and in life day after day, without any sort of time-out, quickly began to seem unwise. My fiancé and I decided that a romantic, wellness-focused getaway would benefit our well-being—and our bond. 

What You May Learn on a Fertilitymoon

When deciding where to go, the destination that came to mind immediately was Maui. Living in Los Angeles, it’s a fairly easy, five-ish hour flight—not to mention one we had been saving credits for after canceling a 2021 trip due to surging COVID cases. And when considering where to stay, we opted for the Four Seasons Resort Maui at Wailea, given the property’s focus on wellness and romance. (Full disclosure: The accommodations and much of our itinerary were hosted, as I was on assignment.)

Upon settling into our cozy, ocean view room and hearing the waves lapping at Wailea Beach, my fiancé and I began to feel like we’d finally landed somewhere we could decompress after months of stress and exhaustion. And over the course of the next several days and nights, that’s exactly what our fertilitymoon—marked by opportunities to learn, grow, and connect—allowed us to do. A few key lessons I learned along the way:

It can take a while to decompress, so give yourself grace

After months spent not only preparing for and then doing fertility treatments, but working a ton, I found myself struggling to be present for the first few days of our trip—which was disappointing, because that was literally all I wanted to do. The fact is that, while you’re going through a cycle, you’re constantly anticipating your immediate next step, which may or may not involve many variables, most—if not, all—of which you have zero control over. This can lead to feeling on-edge and hypervigilant (yep, even for weeks following the stimulation and egg retrieval process), which isn’t exactly the most restful headspace to be in when you’re on vacation. 

I learned that I had to practice self-compassion and remind myself that it’s not like I could flip a switch and be 100 percent relaxed after weeks and months of feeling anything but. And once I was able to accept that and give myself a bit more grace, I was better able to be in the moment, whether that meant going for impromptu night swims with my fiance or literally dozing off on a lounger at the luxe Serenity Pool cabana we spent a day in. 

You could make heartfelt connections

Though my fiancé and I cherished our one-on-one time on vacation, we also appreciated connecting with people we met along the way. And you never know who you might meet who has been on a journey that’s similar to your own. During my Lomi Mohala massage in a tranquil oceanside hale, I learned that not only had I been matched with a massage therapist whose energy was so soothing and centeringm but that she had recently welcomed her first child via a donor embryo. I loved hearing her story, which offered me a renewed sense of hope that my fiancé and I will also, eventually, get to the other side of IVF.

Wellness is a gift to your relationship

After undergoing my last egg retrieval, I had dealt with a mild bout of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS), which was marked by a lot of bloating, cramping, and discomfort. The side effects had dissipated long before our vacation, but by finally being in a space in which all I had to do was slow down and relax, I was suddenly even more aware of everything I’d been through physically. I also realized that not feeling my best in my body was making it tougher for me to be present mentally and emotionally. 

This was a case for taking advantage of Next|Health at Four Season Maui’s restorative treatments, like an IV therapy drip (which provides a combo of vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants geared to support immunity, boost energy, and alleviate stress) and vitamin shots. Sure, after many weeks of having to give myself injections and give blood, I wasn’t exactly pumped to see an IV or shots of any kind, but it was worth it, as the treatment left me feeling replenished and reenergized. In turn, I felt like I could be more engaged and better connect with my fiance. 

Broadening your horizons strengthens your partnership

On our second evening, my fiance and I had plans to attend a talk story with famed navigator Kala Babayan Tanaka, who recounted the history of Polynesian wayfinders who used the stars, wind, and currents to journey to the Hawaiian Islands. Though we had explored the property earlier, the sun had long set, and we struggled to find our way on barely lit paths to the beachfront spot where the activity was being held. Working together to navigate there and then taking in Tanaka’s spellbinding stories of her ancestors under a sky completely bursting with glittering stars was so unreal that it felt like we must have dreamed it. 

We also had the chance to speak to artists and purveyors, to learn about sustainability and aloha ‘āina (“love of the land”) from Maui residents, and to taste test a variety of local fish and produce. (Months later, I’m daydreaming of recreating an opakapaka—aka pink snapper—and dragonfruit ceviche we had at Spago, one of three main restaurants on-site.)

After going through a very different, high-pressure learning experience of fertility treatment together, it was refreshing and restorative to explore and get to bond through new sights, smells, views, and perspectives.  

Bonding time brings you back to your “why” 

By having uninterrupted time to simply be together, in a serene, beautiful place, perhaps just gawking over a hot pink sunset or floating in the Pacific, my fiancé and I felt like we could finally hear ourselves think instead of rushing through the hustle of everyday life for the first time in a while. And that cleared the way for us to put renewed energy into nurturing our cherished bond—the very reason we’re investing time, energy, and money into expanding our family.

Whether you land in Maui, Lake Michigan, or a comfy cabin in New England, it’s worth hitting pause on the roller coaster of fertility treatment to get recentered and reconnect with your significant other on a fertilitymoon. Ultimately, the mindful time-out may not only strengthen your partnership but be what fuels your resolve to step back up to the plate and face whatever curveballs the challenging process throws you next.