8 Things Not to Say to Someone Who Had a Miscarriage and What to Say Instead

Early pregnancy loss is very common. In fact, approximately 10% of clinically recognized pregnancies miscarry and nearly 1 in 5 people of childbearing abilities will experience a miscarriage in their lifetimes. When a friend, loved one, or someone else in your life has a miscarriage, it's important to know what to say to offer comfort and support.

It's "one of the most common forms of trauma that many women go through, but it's often unrecognized and unreported," says Cecille Maria Ahrens, LCSW, a therapist and licensed clinical social worker. This means that people often don't get the support they need.

Given that pregnancy loss isn't often discussed, many people aren't sure what to say when someone has a miscarriage. What you say will naturally depend on your relationship with the person and the type of loss they've experienced, but there are some general guidelines to keep in mind. Below are suggestions for supporting and talking to someone who's had a miscarriage, whether it's a friend, family member, or co-worker, including what to say and what not to say.

What to Say When Someone Has a Miscarriage

It's normal to feel uncomfortable even just thinking about talking to someone about their miscarriage—let alone actually doing it. You might not even be sure if they want to talk about it. However, in many cases, the best approach is to gently broach the topic. If they say they'd rather not discuss it, then, by all means, honor that request. But for many people, it's a relief to have their loss acknowledged, and talking about it can be key to healing emotionally.

1. Keep it general

Less is more, says Ahrens, especially if you don't know the person well. However, saying something is better than nothing. She suggests validating the person's experience, perhaps by saying "I'm sorry that happened" or "That must be very difficult."

She explains: "If you don't know what to say, I always tell people [that] you can start with that. You can say, 'I'm not really sure what to say or how to help but I want you to know that I'm here for you.'"

Research shows that most people who have a miscarriage experience pronounced grief, so the person is likely struggling with grief even if they aren't talking about it or you can't tell. Just knowing you care can feel comforting.

2. Listen and follow their lead

People often avoid the topic of miscarriage altogether or talk nonstop out of a desire to avoid discomfort or awkward silence. This is a mistake, as it invalidates the person's experience, says Tarra Bates-Duford, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "The best thing we can do is listen. Listen, don't offer advice, but really listen and validate their feelings," Dr. Bates-Duford says. And if the parents had named the baby prior to the miscarriage, "it's important to use that baby's name."

3. Check in even if they seem fine

Miscarriages often happen before people share that they're pregnant, leading them to feel alone or isolated in their grief. So, if a friend seems to be having a hard time, it's usually fine to point out what you're seeing and offer generalized support. "A lot of my patients just before they were at the cusp of announcement, a miscarriage occurred. So often, they sit and suffer in silence," says Dr. Bates-Duford. "Perhaps that could be the encouragement that that person needs."

Along those lines, miscarriages can spark episodes of postpartum depression. If you know that someone close to you has experienced a miscarriage, says Ahrens, you can offer observations if their behavior or mood has changed significantly and encourage them to seek professional help.

4. Ask about the rest of the family

Don't only ask about the status of the person who was carrying the pregnancy. If the person is a part of a couple, their spouse or partner is also grieving the loss. "You don't want to imply that that child was any less important to the other parent," says Dr. Bates-Duford. "You want to acknowledge that this was a loss from both of them." Other family members, such as children or parents, may also be impacted.

5. Keep the context in mind

Pregnancy loss is painful enough on its own, but some circumstances can compound the trauma. Couples who conceived through IVF, have had multiple previous miscarriages, who were farther along in pregnancy, or who were expecting a baby via a surrogate, may face extra feelings of powerlessness and helplessness, says Ahrens.

They may have gone through an expensive and grueling process to become pregnant, underscoring the enormity of the loss—and the difficulty of trying again if they choose to do so.

Recurrent miscarriages also take a particular emotional toll, and these specific circumstances can affect what to say when someone has a miscarriage. Of course, all miscarriages can be difficult and you never know how someone is feeling about a loss, so it's always best to let them express how they feel without assuming.

6. Ask permission to help

Some practical things, like dealing with a nursery or letting others know about the pregnancy loss, may need to be taken care of after a miscarriage. Depending on the person and your relationship with them, they may appreciate your help handling these tasks for them.

Offering to return baby gifts or pack away items can be a helpful gesture, but should only be done with permission, says Dr. Bates-Duford. Some people won't be able to face a baby's room they had prepared, but others would want to sit with it and take it down themselves when they're ready. "Don't try to fix it" for the person who miscarried, explains Dr. Bates-Duford. Also, if you've bought a baby gift that you haven't given yet, quietly return it. Don't put that on the grieving person.

7. Offer specific help

On a related note, for anything non-baby-related, it may be helpful to simply state how you are going to help instead of asking how you can help. For instance, texting a friend that you will be dropping off dinner, groceries, or dessert at their door tomorrow night or letting them know you have arranged coffee delivery instead of asking how you can help is a gesture that takes the burden off their plate.

8. Be sensitive in future pregnancies

Many people who experience miscarriages go on to become pregnant again. But losses can leave scars that other people don't understand or see. The pregnant person may not want to have a baby shower or otherwise prepare for the baby, fearing the worst will happen again. Or they might need to acknowledge their loss as they celebrate their new pregnancy.

Friends and family "may need to temper their own expectations around some of those traditions that they themselves might have been excited about because they need to support the feelings of the pregnant [person]," explains Dr. Bates-Duford. If you want to buy something for the baby, don't mention it, she continued. You can always gift it later when the happy moment comes.

What Not to Say After Miscarriage

If you know someone who has had a miscarriage, it's so helpful to offer words of comfort and validation. But despite our best intentions, there are comments that can hurt more than they heal. Every situation and relationship is different but here is a list of phrases you should generally avoid saying. Use your own judgment, of course, but for the most part, these sentiments are unlikely to be well-received.

1. "It wasn't a real baby yet"

For many people, bonding with their baby-to-be happens the moment they learn they're pregnant. No matter how far along the pregnancy progressed, the baby and hopes for a life with that baby were real, plans and dreams were formed, and life had already changed.

2. "At least you weren't further along"

It's true that the further along you are in the pregnancy, the more complications can happen during the miscarriage—but this phrase only diminishes pain. It also perpetuates the idea that a lost pregnancy in the first trimester doesn't necessitate any grief. The physical and emotional pain is very real, even in the early stages. In fact, research shows that early miscarriage can lead to depression or anxiety and that even two years later, many people who have experienced a miscarriage are still grieving.

3. "It wasn't meant to be"

Despite your good intentions, telling someone that their pregnancy "wasn't meant to be" is unlikely to feel comforting or supportive. During the grief of loss, this phrase can compound feelings that they've done something wrong or that the speaker believes they're not fit to be a parent.

4. "At least you can get pregnant"

Lots of people struggle to conceive, and that struggle comes with its own pain and grief. But getting pregnant is only the first step to parenthood, and someone who has miscarried is robbed of that experience. Plus, there's no reason to compare one person's struggles to another's.

5. "Miscarriage happens to a lot of people"

Some people may find comfort in the idea that they are not alone in experiencing pregnancy loss, but for many others, this phrase is heartbreaking. Miscarriage is certainly common, but that doesn't negate the need for support, compassion, and healthy grieving that comes with loss.

6. "Maybe you should/shouldn't have..."

It's extremely hard on a parent's heart to find out their baby is gone, and they may instinctively blame themselves. They might worry that something they did caused their loss, such as working out, having sex, flying on an airplane, or falling. Hearing these statements from someone who is supposed to be supportive is detrimental to emotional and mental health. It's important for the person to know unequivocally that the miscarriage was not their fault.

7. "You'll be fine in a few days"

For some people, the grieving period is relatively mild or short after a miscarriage. For others, however, the sadness can last quite a while, even years, and it can be complicated by several other factors unique to their situation. Telling someone they're going to be fine in a few days is presumptive, misleading, and dismissive.

8. "Be grateful for what you have"

When someone is in pain, telling them to "suck it up" isn't exactly helpful. Telling someone who is facing difficulties to just "be grateful" is similarly unkind. This phrase, often said to those who already have children and are grieving a miscarriage, is the same sentiment as "suck it up"—just dressed up a little differently. Even if a couple has multiple children already, it's perfectly normal to grieve after losing a pregnancy.

Special Considerations for the Workplace

If someone at your workplace has had a miscarriage, know that this is a medical event that can have physical and emotional repercussions that require time away from work. In some cases, disclosure of a miscarriage will be the first time that an employee lets their employer know that they were pregnant.

Bosses and human resource professionals should minimize their requests for information, especially if it will be provided anyway on short-term disability forms or other requests for leave. A better approach, explains Dr. Bates-Duford, is to offer to help with any needed paperwork and get the process rolling.

For other colleagues and workplace relationships, "a general, 'I'm so sorry for your loss,' would be most appropriate," says Ahrens. "You don't want to overstep your bounds. You're not friends, you're not family."