Breadwinner Mom Gets Real on Reddit About Being Jealous of Her Stay-at-Home Husband

It’s no secret parenting is stressful. It doesn’t help that raising the next generation kind of feels like an individual sport often with little to no paid leave or federal universal pre-kindergarten, and childcare services are struggling to keep their lights on (and doors open for kids to safely receive care while parents work).

For some, having one parent stay home is the best (or at least most feasible) solution. Often, it’s the mother, but not always. One working mother opened up about her life as the breadwinner with a husband who says home. While some people may say, “You go, girl,” her life experience is more complicated, and she went to Reddit to seek help.

Why One Mom is Jealous of Her Husband’s Stay-at-Home Dad Life

That’s how u/burnout50000 starts her post in the r/Parenting subreddit.

“I’m a mom and the breadwinner (high stress, frequent travel, long hours),” she writes. “[The] pay is great and enables my husband to stay home with our toddler…His life as a SAHD [stay-at-home dad] is what I wish I could have.”

The original poster (OP) writes that the family can afford cleaners, babysitting, and backup care when she travels. Her parents help. This also enables her husband to work, too, but there’s a catch (at least in OP’s mind).

“My husband works his dream job on weekends and one weekday a week,” she writes.

OP also feels her husband gets to have more fun, is seen as more fun, and gets a ton of flowers (figuratively speaking).

“He recently did a solo trip,” OP says. “He’s the fun dad. My son loves him. He’s in shape. Everyone thinks it is amazing he stays at home. He is praised by everyone who knows us—everyone tells me I am so lucky to have him.”

I’m interrupting this Reddit recap for a quick plea that we normalize men working in the home. Women are not “lucky” that men perform the unpaid labor that we have done without appreciation for years.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

“I’m either working, caring for our child, or managing our home/finances,” she says. “I’m tired, overweight, and toggle between needing a genuine break when I’m not working and feeling terrible about how little time I spend with our son. I’m aging fast.”

In short, she’s jealous but can’t think of a better way.

“There is no way financially I could ever step back,” she says. “There is no world where I could stay home or even work a more [reasonable] job (I’ve been applying for new roles for the last year).”

So, what can she do?

Redditors offered some insights and advice.

Is the Grass Greener?

The post has nearly 500 comments, and there’s a decent amount of “be careful what you wish for.” But a few posters remind everyone it can go both ways.

“The grass is always greener,” says one commenter.

Another person concurs.

“Bingo,” the response reads. “This sub is filled with SAHMs complaining about how easy their working husbands have it and working moms complaining about how easy their SAH husbands have it. People always seem to think that their job is the hardest and no one else is working nearly as hard as they are when, a lot of the time, that’s just not true and usually a case of someone in a depressive state feeling sorry for themselves.”

This comment may seem harsh. However—and I write this with all the gentleness and empathy in the world: People have every right to feel the way they do, but sitting in it to the point of resentment can get toxic. I know from first-hand experience.

Luckily, some other commenters offer some concrete advice for OP to consider.

“Me and my husband compromised,” a commenter says. “He got a job he loved. I got to go part-time and be home more...and we cut back.”

“It honestly sounds like you just need to reorganize your life as a family, and you can both have quality time with your kid,” says another.

“Say you were financially independent and retired today—what would you do?” posts another. “You’d do what your husband is doing right now most likely. I don’t know the rest of your life circumstances, but it sounds to me like a middle ground should be achievable. While you’re in the thick of all the craziness, it might feel like you can’t slow down, but the experience you have could be leveraged for a less travel-reliant role, too. Maybe at a lower pay, but if you’re less tired/more around, your husband could work a bit more, too.”

You Deserve to Function as an Entire Human

The last comment hit home for me, too, and I’ve had to do more of it this year. I’m not the sole earner in my home, but I earn as much and, at times, more than my husband. I also work from home, contributing to being a “default parent.”

But the catch-22: My income matters. It isn’t fun money. All the changes in my industry—and the fact that I graduated into a global recession in 2009 and had my first child as mass layoffs started happening during the early days of COVID-19 in 2020—made it hard for me to turn down any work. As a result, I spent much of 2022 and ’23 working until 3 a.m. while in bed, nursing my son.

I had to get real about my time this year, which involved working on myself and through some financial trauma. I time-tracked and came up with a monthly financial goal I was comfortable with, and I started asking my husband to help fill in the gaps on days we don’t have childcare by taking half days (a 50-50 compromise).

This work wasn’t easy, and I didn’t think it was possible. While my life isn’t perfect now, I get more sleep. I tuck my kids into bed and spend time reading and not working, and I’m a better, more patient mother and wife. I empathize with the OP, but it can feel like there aren’t any good solutions. And, frankly, for many, there aren’t. Hopefully, you can chip away at your load and find ways to have a more complete life.

I’ll leave you with this encouraging comment that might help you feel validated, too.

“None of what you see would be possible without you. You are the backbone. Proud of you,” the person says.

I’m proud of you, too—for the work you’ve put in and any work you put in to dig out and support you need to function as a whole person.