Bonus Mom vs. Stepmom: What’s the Difference?

These days, there are so many diverse and valid ways to raise a family that are finally being embraced. For many people, the traditional family structure of a biological mom and dad as the sole caregivers for a child is a relic of the past. First of all, there isn’t always both a mom and dad present, and more same-sex and nonbinary couples are starting families. It truly takes a village to raise a kid, and in some cases, that means kids are raised with multiple parenting figures present in the home.

 One of these caregivers who is often part of a blended family is known as a “bonus mom.” You might have heard the term step mom, but bonus mom might be new to you. Is a bonus mom the same as a stepmom? What role might a bonus mom play in your child’s life?  We reached out to mental health experts to help us make sense of the role of a bonus mom in families.

What Does the Term Bonus Mom Mean?

 Bonus mom isn’t a clinical term, but a term that has come up in the culture to describe maternal figures who play nurturing roles in kids’ lives. Simply put, a bonus mom is anyone who takes on the role of a mother to a child, even if that person isn’t a parent, explains Catherine Nobile, PsyD, clinical psychologist and director of Nobile Psychology. In other words, a bonus mom (or bonus parent) can be any other adult who takes part in parenting, caring for, and loving a kid.

“The name refers to the extra support these [people] play in a child’s life—even if there is no blood relation,” she explains.

 Ana’Neicia Williams, DSW, LCSW, PMH-C, licensed clinical social worker and founder of Momology Maternal Wellness Club, LLC says bonus moms play vital roles in families and in community systems.

“We often identify bonus moms as that additional parenting support, but it may look differently depending on family dynamics and culture,” she explains.

How Is a Bonus Mom Different from a Stepmom?

Stepmoms can be bonus moms, but you don’t have to be a stepmom to be a bonus mom.

 “A child can regard any [caregiver] as a bonus mom and vice versa even if she has no legal or biological relationship to the child,” explains Dr. Nobile. 

Stepmoms are individuals who are married to one of the child’s parents or legal guardians, and they can play the role of bonus moms in some cases, Dr. Nobile explains—and often stepmothers feel uncertain about their role while the kids grapple with unresolved emotions about accepting a new maternal figure into their lives. But a bonus moms is  anyone who loves or counsels a child.

“The bonus mom can be more flexible, depending on the partnership,” Dr. Nobile says. “Whether setting boundaries or keeping track of routines, a stepmom (often involved in the child’s everyday life as part of a blended family) may be given more concrete parenting responsibilities.”

Additionally, bonus moms may participate in simple household chores or even family decision making, depending on the family’s arrangement or understanding, but that is usually the role of a stepparent or guardian.

What Are the Responsibilities of a Bonus Mom? 

Responsibilities of bonus mom vary, depending on the family dynamic. The caregiving that this mother figure does could look like offering advice and comfort, cooking meals, dropping them off at school, or hosting playdates at the park. 

“How bonus moms show up will be based on the identified need or bond that has been established,” Dr. Williams says. “Bonus mom’s roles are essential to the development of children so it’s important there is understanding amongst all in how they show up within the family or community,” she says.

Bonus moms play supportive roles in nurturing a child’s emotional life, may be a source of advice, and may be an encouraging role model for the child, Dr. Nobile says. Bonus moms usually aid in encouraging a child in their interests, and maintaining a loving and supportive safe haven for a child.

How Bonus Moms Benefit Kids and Families

There are many benefits to being a bonus mom, and many bonus moms find their role to be extremely rewarding.

“The positive side is that bonus moms aren’t normally responsible for day-to-day childcare, which makes it easier for a bonus mom to foster a supportive bond while not having to worry about policing [behavior] or housework,” explains Dr. Nobile. “This can lead to a lighter, more calm [relationship], where the emphasis is on helping to guide and support.”

The deep connections fostered between bonus moms and children can often significantly influence the child’s growth and development. Specifically, bonus moms can provide benefits in the realm of children mastering developmental tasks, socialization, and self-actualization, Dr. Williams says.

Drawbacks of Being a Bonus Mom

Like any other role you play in a family, there may be some challenges. For instance, a bonus mom may sometimes feel like an outsider or not feel as valued as other members of a family system. This can result in anxiety and the feeling of being forgotten, Dr. Nobile says.

“Because [this role] rarely draws boundaries as distinct from that of a biological [mom] or stepmother, a bonus mother might not always be able to claim her place in the family, and she may become insecure if no one takes note of her attempts,” she says.

You may also have to deal with pushback from the children, if they aren’t ready to accept you in their lives. That’s why communication is key, Dr. Williams says. It’s also important to allow kids to process their feelings about the situation openly and to give children safe spaces to process any complex feelings related to changes to their family dynamics.

If you are finding it difficult to process your role as a bonus mom, you shouldn’t hesitate to seek support, which may be in the form of therapy or counseling. 

“This can be a stressful issue, so bonus moms need to seek out support and foster honest communication within the family to establish firm clear relationships and expectations,” Dr. Nobile advises.